I meant to write this last night and post it before posting my Project Mayhem piece, but I never got around to it. My laziness is pathological…sometimes.
Project Mayhem is meant to be the literary/blog equivalent of turning over a New Year’s leaf. It was conceived by my friends High Priestess Kang and Ming the Merciless in an effort to get ourselves out of our respective writing ruts and really challenge ourselves. Every week we’ll choose a random topic, which could be a noun, a verb, an adjective, etc., and each of us will write 500 to 1000 words on it.
Our topic-selection method hasn’t really been worked out yet. Perhaps we could write a whole bunch of topics on separate pieces of paper and pull one each week out of a bingo ball tumbler (or something). I chose the first topic by the admittedly cliched method of opening up the dictionary to a random page and and placing my finger on a random word.
This should be interesting and challenging in a positive way. I’m looking forward to writing outside of my comfort zone, as it were. Stay tuned.
When the word Grace was revealed to me after I lifted up my finger from the dictionary page, my first impulse was to choose a different word. This word is too complicated, I thought. It has several meanings and uses, not to mention religious connotations.
Then I thought, why not? Grace is a very positive attribute. It is primarily defined as: “seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.” Among other things, grace implies elegance, beauty, and refinement. It is a quality that enables one to maintain composure even in the face of inevitable defeat. Grace is dignity personified: stable and calm under pressure.
Grace used to be an extremely popular A-list celebrity who regularly accompanied Audrey Hepburn on shopping trips and could often be seen holding onto Cary Grant’s arm at parties. She used to be an essential guest at every Tinsel Town function, but these days Grace is increasingly hard to find in Hollywood. However, there still remains a whole new generation of starlets and “pop tarts” in desperate need of some guidance.
Therefore, with Grace becoming more and more of a recluse, her twin sister Disgrace has taken over the majority of Grace’s duties. Being much more visible than her introverted sister, Disgrace can hardly keep up with the demand for her services. Among many other things, Disgrace works as a fashion consultant, and it was she who suggested to Amy Winehouse that pink ballet slippers really do go with everything. And indeed, it was Disgrace who advised Britney Spears to wear short skirts with no panties because the resulting pictures would be a tremendous boost to Spears’ career.
Disgrace is also in high demand as a life coach. Included on the list of her exclusive clientele is none other than Paris Hilton. It was Disgrace who encouraged Miss Hilton to go ahead and record that pop album and to appear in the movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.” In fact, Miss Hilton relies on Disgrace’s invaluable relationship and career advice so much that she keeps her on a retainer. She also insists on Disgrace accompanying her wherever she goes. Whenever Paris Hilton arrives at a party or a club, Disgrace is right beside her in the limo and never leaves her side the whole night.
As for Grace, she was last known to be sharing a house with her close friends Decency and Tastefulness. No one seems to know for sure where this house is located, and as a result all three of them have become virtually inaccessible. Grace is still alive, but it is widely believed that Decency is in fact, dead. However, we have no way of confirming or denying the death of Decency at this time.
On a final note, Grace finds the song, “Amazing Grace,” to be quite embarrassing and thinks it makes her sound like some kind of magician: “Call me anything but amazing, please.”
Sorry, but I think I might have misheard you. It sounded like you said I’m supposed to totally abstain from sexual intercourse until I get married. Oh, that is what you said.
Abstinence only?
Well, doesn’t that seem a little unrealistic? I mean, did you wait until you got married? What do you mean it’s none of my business??!!
Not to belabor the point (I have written about this subject before), but here’s an excellently-written article about the failure of the “abstinence-only” education program to inspire any abstinence whatsoever in young people:
`Abstinence-only’ programs get an `F’
By Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe
Posted: 01/01/2009 07:51:35 PM PST
I hate to bring this up right now when the ink is barely dry on your New Year’s resolution. But if history is any guide, you are likely to fall off the assorted wagons to which you are currently lashed.
I don’t say this to disparage your willpower. Hang onto that celery stick for dear life. And even if you stop doing those stomach crunches and start sneaking out for a smoke, at least you can comfort yourself with fond memories of your moment of resolution.
Compare that to the factoid in the newest research about teens who pledge abstinence. The majority not only break the pledge, they forget they ever made it.
This study of teens and pledges comes from Johns Hopkins researcher Janet Rosenbaum, who took a rigorous look at nearly 1,000 students. She compared teens who took a pledge of abstinence with teens of similar backgrounds and beliefs who didn’t. She found absolutely no difference in their sexual behavior, or the age at which they began having sex, or the number of their partners.
In fact, the only difference - aside from apparent memory-impairment - was that the group that promised to remain abstinent was significantly less likely to use birth control, especially condoms, when they did have sex.
Muphry’s Law (not to be confused with Murphy’s Law) is an adage stating that: “if you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.” It’s the literary application of the better-known Murphy’s Law, which states simply: “If anthing can go wrong, it will.”
There are several variations of this law, my favorite of which is: Hartman’s Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation, which states that, “Any statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror.” See what I mean? This law is absolute and inescapable.
This is why (except in the most extreme examples) I never correct anyone’s spelling or grammar unless specifically asked to do so.
You might have heard somewhere that if you encounter someone having a seizure you should try to force something into his or her mouth. The reason why people think they need to do this is to prevent the person from “swallowing his or her tongue” and suffocating to death. However good your intentions are, the fact is that shoving something into someone’s mouth to try and prevent him or her from choking makes absolutely no sense and is completely counterproductive.
It’s impossible to swallow one’s tongue, anyway.
But don’t take my word for it. Listen to a professional. I recently found a relavant post on a medical blog called White Coat Rants, that begins with a rather amusing anecdote:
Question: How did dirt and grass end up in the seizure patient’s mouth?
Answer: A bystander tried to shove his shoe into the patient’s mouth while he was seizing to keep him from swallowing his tongue.
No joke.
A little free advice to those trying to help seizure patients …
I have never heard of a seizing patient swallowing their tongue. You may force the issue if you shove an object in their mouth, but the tongue will still be there when patient is done seizing. Seizing patients often bite their tongues - usually on the tip or on the sides. If you see blood coming from a seizing person’s mouth, chances are that is what happened. Those wounds hurt for a little while, but they heal.
Trying to shove something into a seizing patient’s mouth may damage their gums or their teeth, could compromise their breathing, may get stuck in their throat, and probably won’t do a whole lot of good. Don’t do it.
The first thing to do if a patient is seizing is to take your own pulse. It’s scary to watch if you haven’t seen it happen before.
Then do what you can to keep them from injuring themselves. If they are near the edge of a wall or there is a sharp rock on the ground nearby, try to help the person avoid it.
If the person vomits, roll them on their side so the vomit can drain out of their mouth and they don’t choke on it.
If you’re concerned about the patient’s condition, then call 911. Better safe than sorry.
Don’t put yourself in danger when doing any of the above.
There are many types of seizures. After a “grand mal” (”shaking”) seizure, the patients are usually “spent.” They often appear to be in a deep sleep and may snore. They are difficult to arouse. Very rarely is this a “stroke,” although it may appear that way to people who have never seen a seizure before. Read about what happens after a seizure, called the “post-ictal” period, here.
Oh, and keep your shoes on …
Can’t imagine what it would feel like to wake up from a seizure with the taste of crabgrass, shoe rubber, and dog manure in my mouth.
A Swedish man’s attempt to impress his girlfriend on Friday night backfired, putting him in the hospital with serious burn injuries and facing allegations of endangering the public.
The woman told police in Västervik in south eastern Sweden that her boyfriend poured gasoline over his arm and set the fuel on fire.
“It obviously didn’t go well. He burned his arm and other parts of his body and was in a state of shock,” said Kalmar police spokesperson Reine Johansson to the TT news agency.
“Don’t ask me what the point of the trick was supposed to be.”
The 33-year-old man was taken via ambulance to the hospital in Västervik.
According to police he will likely need specialized care at the burn clinic of Linköping University Hospital.
Following the failed stunt, the man is also under suspicion for negligence which endangers the public.
Police add that they have no reason to believe the man’s burns resulted from actions other than those described by his girlfriend.
“We haven’t been able to talk with him yet; his condition is too bad to allow it. But we naturally plan to do so as soon as possible,” said Johansson.
I now have my very own piece of internet real estate. Joy to the World!
In much less cool news, my cute little gingerbread log cabin has begun to sag and crumble, but I’m still impressed that it stayed up as long as it did.
Meowy Christmas, everyone!
(sorry, I couldn’t resist)
Now my whole apartment (not to mention, my hands) smells of Christmas.
To make one, you need:
An orange (try to choose a nice shiny one that is evenly orange with no brown spots) Whole cloves (as many as you wish to use, but 50 to 100 is probably ideal) Red ribbon (about one and a half meters)
Tie the red ribbon nice and tight around the orange as if you’re tying it around on a small spherical present. Tie a bow on the top of the orange and leave two long ribbon tails, which will be used to hang the orange once it’s finished. Poke the whole cloves into the orange in any arrangement you wish. They’re quite sharp and should easily go in, but don’t be surprised if a few of them break. When you’ve finished poking the cloves, tie the two ribbon tails together and go and find someplace to hang the orange. Soon the entire room will be filled with the scent of cloves and oranges.
Stunning Break with Last Eight Years
By Andy Borowitz
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama’s appearance on CBS’ “Sixty Minutes” on Sunday witnessed the president-elect’s unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.
But Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it “alienating” to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.
“Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement,” says Mr. Logsdon. “If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist.”
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, “Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off.”
The President-elect’s stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
“Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can’t really do there, I think needing to do that isn’t tapping into what Americans are needing also,” she said.
Also, I’m sure that someone as erudite as Barack Obama knows that the phrase, “Change we can believe in” is not entirely grammatically correct. However, I’m sure he also knows that the correct form, “Change in which we can believe” is a bit too grammatically pedantic to be useful as a campaign slogan.
